17 Days…

Today is officially the 17th day of my singledom.  I wish I could sit here and tell you all how WONDERFUL it is and that i’m doing fabulous.  However, I am not.  I did go out with friends a couple days ago and that helped a TON.

*So when going through heartbreak, lean on friends.  Most definitely.  They’re your friends, they’ve been there, they will help and hopefully buy you alcohol.*

Now, I can’t tell you the last time i’ve been single.  I was probably 16.  Because I met my ex husband 3 days after my 17th birthday, so…Yeah its been a very long time.  I’m not used to this extra head space and not having someone to think about and worry about.  Run on sentences, I know.  Forgive me.  It’s too quiet, but at the same time I live with my mom so its sometimes aggravating.  I’m almost 30 and I live with my mom.  FAIL!!  Anywho….

17 days.  For some reason the last two days have been rough.  I cry sometimes and I don’t want to do anything but sleep.  And thank god for my forever faithful companion, mcgee (the cat), because he refuses to let me sleep in.  I have a reason to get up even if it is just to feed him.  After some friendly advice, it’s time to peel my butt off the floor and move on to the phase where I start doing some stuff for myself.  I have a new job that i’m starting friday.  That will help.  And I think making money will help to make myself feel better.  So phase 2 is slowly in progress.

Heartbreak blows.  We all know what its like.  But it’s easier when there’s a new love in the picture, which i don’t have.  I won’t have for a long time, if at all.  I need to focus on myself and figure out what I want.  But being alone sucks.  I guess being alone with your own place is a little easier, because you can cry all day and night and there’s no one to be bugged by it.  Or you can not eat or eat a shit ton of ice cream and no one’s there to judge.  I don’t know if its better or worse that I have to hold myself together most of the time.

So anyone else going through this.  Step 1) lean on friends and cry a lot.  Get it out.  It sucks but eventually you can semi function again.  Step 2) Start doing something for you.  Think baby steps, as annoying as it is.

I know what its like to just want to sleep it all away.  But eventually it won’t hurt so much.  You just have to peel yourself off the floor and slowly do things.  Anything more than getting out of bed in the beginning is fantastic.  Go you!  Moving forward will hurt at first.  Let it hurt.  It will make you stronger….

I promise.

Let’s play catchup…

I fell in love with a boy.  Gave up everything for said boy.  I gave up a good job, our nice apartment, to move to FL.  Where the pay  sucks and my anxiety was on high alert.  Oh the anxiety.  *shakes head*  Cried a lot.  Was finally starting to get the hang of it and trying to make friends, when all of a sudden, we got kicked out of his parents house and basically spent $100 a night to stay in a motel.  Then we finally decide to move back to TN, which means I had to leave everything behind but sentimental stuff.  The irreplaceable stuff.  Oh my heart.  We got to TN and things were a little rough.  Got put in the middle a lot.  Between trying to defend the boy of my so called dreams and trying to just be ok.  Had one final date night.  Then a big fight.  And he was gone.  Just like that.  I waited with flowers and a card to try to fix things when it shouldn’t have been my job.  I wasn’t the one who ran away or talked to another girl or gave up.  I was the one standing there with my heart in my hand begging for the pain to go away and for us to be back to normal.  I was the one missing him, and wanting him back, and willing to do everything it took to fix it.  When I wasn’t even the one who broke it.

And now I have good days and bad days.  But I’m thankful this all happened.  That my whole world completely fell apart.  Because as sad as it is, I can rebuild it.  It will take time.  But I know my life was flailing.  I was being sucked down and allowing myself to get lost in a boy who i loved with everything I had.  And now, I’m free.  Sad, but free.  I can do anything I want.  No one to look out for except myself and my faithful companion, Mcgee (my 11 year old cat).

I am determined to make my life grand.  I will not say no to every opportunity that pops up.  If something gets me outside my comfort zone its probably a good thing.  I need to take more risks in my life and have a hell of a lot more fun.  But first, a job.  And to see my friend Jack play with his band Smart Objects.  I need to make sure I’m really living this time around.  This is my real second chance at life.  Nothing will stop me this time.  Not even a man who I might someday fall madly in love with.  No more bending til I break.  No more sacrificing.  This time is about me.  And for that I am thankful.

You Are Not a Victim

Life hits and it hits HARD.  You are dragged down where you can’t even breathe and you feel like there’s no fucking point in even going on.  But its not over.  And it won’t be the last time you’re dragged down.  But every time it happens you must stand up, dust yourself off, and fight like hell.  You never give up.  You keep fighting.  If you have no one, then by god you need to fight for yourself.  You ALWAYS have you.  And i know its lonely and it sucks.  Life is hard.  But it can be magical.  It can be a great big adventure.  But you gotta get your head out of the sand my dear ostrich.  Stop hiding.  Stop being afraid.  I promise you everyone is worried about their own selves more than they are worried about you.  Keep your chin up, weak people will try to tear you down because they are hurting themselves.  Just keep going.

YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM

…………………………………………………………….

YOU ARE A WARRIOR

Godspeed.

SAM

Writer’s Block…dun dun dun

Let me just say that I had this really crazy experience last year that went on for DAYS.  Some weird juju.  It was SCREAMING at me to write, ok?  No joke.  Ever since then, I can’t write.  I’ve written a couple poems for the bluejay but other than that…nothing.  I’m literally blank.  I haven’t faced a blank page in…pffft…a couple years.  I can’t face it.  I used to have ideas just popping left and right.  So many that I couldn’t keep up with it…literally.  Now I just want to sleep and work.  Thats it.  Like, God forbid I wanna actually go and enjoy something.

I’ve lost a bit of myself I think.  I’m starting to think I give so much of myself and put them into people I love, that I literally forget what its like to just do some things for myself.  Which is one of the reasons i love my boyfriend because he is always reminding to do something nice for myself.  Thats rare, that is.  But I don’ t know how.  I could give away everything i had and not think twice about it.  But for me to go and spend money on myself I always think about it over and over and decide how bad I really want it.  But i’m totally going off point…i apologize.  Definitely don’t have a clear head today.

I think I want to try to think of some ideas and brainstorm some stuff and plan a big thing for NaNoWriMo.  I’ve only done it once and didn’t finish, but this time I want to go balls in and actually do it.  No ifs ands or buts about it.  I know its only august but I just wanted to put out there that I’m going to SERIOUSLY challenge myself to this thing because i’ve always wanted to finish it.  So this year I will plan ahead and finish without a doubt because I basically am giving myself NO choice.

Fuck writers block.  I will defeat you one way or another.  I keep hoping this blog will help.  I actually downloaded the app to my phone so hopefully when i’m out and about (yeah right) that i’ll actually write down things that come to mind and issues that pop up.  I don’t know if anyone even reads this but if you, thanks for listening to me ramble.  I just needed to get this out, i think.

Thanks again,

SAM

Fuck It

Taking steps back to sort through my own bullshit.  No life change ever came from someone not being sick of their own shit.  And i’m sick of mine.  I don’t know where to go from here, but i’ll think of something.  I figured the best thing I could as of this moment to try to beat these insecurities is to say “Fuck It.”  I don’t know what else to do.  So, you’re having a bad day?  Fuck it.  Your bored but your boyfriend had a long day and wants to sleep.  You love him, so fuck it.  You want to travel, but can’t.  Fuck it.  You want to buy cute clothes but want to wait til you’re the right size?  Fuck it, buy something now.

Deal with what you have control over.  What you don’t, just shrug it off and say….

Fuck it.

Insecurities

When the ugly side of you starts to come out, pay very close attention.  This is when you learn what you need to work on as a person.  Last night I lost it a bit with my insecurities.  I found something I didn’t want to find.  Basically I’m not going to give too much detail to protect parties involved.  But…it only made me feel worse.  Nothing good came of it.  There was no revelation.  It only lead to more questions.  It didn’t calm anything inside of me down.  I mostly just want to throw something.

This is my point, if I was secure with myself I wouldn’t let outside forces control me or enforce some insecurity onto me.  I need to find myself and be my own person.  I quit.  I give up.  I’m throwing my hands in the air and saying I can’t do this anymore.  Why do I fight more for someone I love than I do for my own self.  I always get stuck feeling like i’m not good enough.  So what do I do to fix that?  I give more of myself.  How does that solve anything?  Well, it doesn’t.

This is when I need to shake this off.  And start figuring out what I like again.  What i want.  Who I want to be.  What I’m not willing to sacrifice.  I’m not willing to give up anymore of myself.  Thats it.  If they don’t like me as I am, well tough titties.  This is it.  I’m not very outgoing.  I’m not athletic.  I’m done trying to be everything to everybody.  I’m done.  If you don’t like me, so what.  You think I’m boring?  Who gives  a fuck.  The only person who’s opinion matters about me, is me.  So I no longer am going to let other people tell me who i am and what i can do.  I’m done.  I’m shutting out anybody who has doubts about me doing great things and being a great person.  Next.  I give up.

I’m not sure how to fix insecurities, but I’ll figure it out.  Lets just take this one day at a time, shall we?  Now I know what I need to work on.  Sorry it came to this in the first place, but what is a girl to do when she has a bad feeling?  We look for the reason why until we find it.  I regret finding it.  But on to the next task at hand.  Self Love.

New Beginnings

The one great thing about hitting rock bottom is that you can only go up from there.

Yes, I don’t necessarily like that i live in my mom’s garage.  But…I need to accept that fact that, for now, this is where i need to be.  I need to stabilize my life at the moment.  Financially I am getting better.  I have a savings now with some money it, which is a great start.  I have a 401k.  Maybe one day i’ll look into stocks and maybe a roth ira.  Who knows.  But for your basics I think I’m doing pretty good.

I bought a new (used but new for me) bed, a new dresser (which i put together with my mom….ehhhh) anyway…its a start.  I have a mini fridge which actually has food in it 😀 My cat has food and a litter box and some toys.  Like I said….basics.

Its really been a struggle for me to try to accept this as my life at this particular moment.  I didn’t expect to be here at 25.  I wanted to have my own place and be stable.  The universe had other intentions and at the moment my life is out of balance.  So I need to find my balance again.  First getting the basics, then trying to dig deeper into the issues of my life and my surroundings, Finding solutions to those issues, and eventually working towards better things.  I’m very patient when it comes to other people, not so patient when it comes to myself.  I tend to pile on as much stuff as i can and then get overwhelmed and have some kind internal breakdown and then repeat.  So this time, I’m going to be gentle with myself.

New beginnings are scary and frustrating, but i’m very optimistic.  I will forever and always be an optimist.  The only time anyone will see me as a pessimist is when i’m extremely frustrated and feel backed into a corner, but i always come out fighting in the end.  I don’t like to quit things.  But I only give up when i feel like its time to walk away from it.

I’m a 25 year old divorcee who lives in TN.  I got evicted from my house after i lost my job at the hospital.  I had to get rid of two of my pets to live with my mom.  So I know the meaning of loss.  I get it.  But great things come from great loss so I’m extremely hopeful for a great new beginning.  Life is going to be a new grand adventure.

Cheers to new beginnings 😀

Rock Bottom

I’ve literally been in pain for two days straight now.  I stayed up all last night crying my eyes out.  Horomones are all over the place (thank you new birth control) hopefully when I start the next pack, i can finally balance out emotionally.  I really just feel like I’m all alone in this silly state of TN.  I don’t really have friends here.  Not any that I can bare my soul to.  I have acquaintances that I can hang out with and get a bite to eat with.  I miss my best friends who live in TX.  I live in a house that is basically cold and you can cut the tension with a knife.  My mom shrugs it off like I’m basically nuts.  I work in a job where I constantly feel like I’m not good enough and like an outcast.  All the other managers are in some sort of clique and stick up for each other.  I know for a fact they all talk about me behind my back.  Which part of me thinks, its none of my business what they say about me.  It shouldn’t effect how I do my job or how I treat people.  But I’m tired.  I’m just tired.

I try to think about my next great adventure.  What will i do next?  But I’m 25 and I’m not good at anything.  Except maybe writing and landscaping photography.  Other than that…meh.  I know a little about money.  Not enough to go to school and create some big career out of it.  I’ve thought about day trading.  But, you need money for that.  I have money but i’m not willing to spend it on that.  I have a vacation I’m saving it for.  Well, hopefully two vacations and an emergency fund.

Its official.  I’ve stooped to a new low. Venting my problems to a vast universe of people who could care less.  Thanks for listening anyway.  I just needed to let things go i guess.  On to the next…

Writing For Yourself or Others

I’m new to this whole being a blogger situation.  I like writing about things that I want to say or what i want to write about.  I find I can generally write about anything if i’m given enough information or links to sites to find the information or i can do my own research.  But does that mean I should write for other people?

Yes, money is a great motivator but when that is really the only motivation then whats the point?  So my question to the blogging universe is this:  Do you write just for the sake of money?  Or do you only write for yourself or about things you’re interested in.  I’m not sure how to navigate this.  I’ve always wanted to be a writer.  Its the only thing I really want to do.  That, and photography.  Which thanks to the internet and smart phones, everyone is doing.  So competition is a bit rough.

I’m a bit lost in the writing world and I would like some help if possible.  Anyone?

“I am not afraid of my truth anymore, and I will not omit pieces of myself to make you comfortable.” -unknown

I am the nicest person in the world (too nice most of the time).

I don’t care what people say about me behind my back, its none of my business anyway.

I am not good about hiding my emotions.  If I’m pissed, I’m pissed…let me deal.

I will do anything for most people, even if I kinda don’t want to. (sad, but true).

If I love someone, I give everything I can and then some.  I will always try my very best.

I can be the biggest smart ass you know 😉

I have more sympathy for hurt animals & children than I do adults.  Sorry I can’t help it.

I love my alone time, I’m an introvert.  For the love of christ, please accept it already.  Buuuuut, that doesn’t mean I hate hanging out with friends and doing something together.  Just not every weekend, ok?

I am and will always be a hopeless romantic.  I believe in soulmates and that it is possible to be that one person til you die or even after death.  I REALLY believe that.  Its not easy, no.  But it IS possible.  So suck it.

I love old movies, and old tv shows, old hollywood wasn’t as glamorous as it seemed, but the idea of it was 🙂

I think you get the hint.  Thanks 🙂